It may sound strange to talk about “Psychological Warfare” in child custody and divorce cases, but if you’ve experienced it, you know the soul-shattering effect that it can have. 

Someone you pledged your life to, now turning against you.  That once-trusted person now using their knowledge of your vulnerabilities, your past trauma, your personal and family relationships to inflict pain.  That person portraying themselves to others as a calm, rational person who knows more about your child than you do!

Psychological warfare is not often discussed in family-law cases — it sounds offensive and not in the spirit of ‘co-parenting.’  That’s how people get away with it. 

If you’re not properly advised, and don’t know the signs of creeping, encircling, overwhelming control and manipulation, you can quickly find yourself on the defensive — fighting for every day of parenting time, every dollar of support, every moment of peace in your household and with your children and relatives.

The tactics are often designed to manipulate, control, or destabilize the other parent emotionally, mentally, or legally. These techniques can be subtle or overt, and they are often employed to gain leverage in court or influence the child’s perception. Here are some common methods:

1. Parental Alienation

• What it is: One parent deliberately turns the child against the other parent.

• Examples: Telling the child lies or exaggerated stories about the other parent, blocking communication, or blaming the other parent for the breakup or divorce.

• Purpose: To damage the child’s relationship with the other parent and sway custody decisions.

2. Gaslighting

• What it is: Making the other parent doubt their own memory, sanity, or perception.

• Examples: Denying events that clearly happened, twisting facts, or accusing the other parent of overreacting or imagining things.

• Purpose: To make the other parent appear unstable or untrustworthy in court or to the child.

3. False Allegations

• What it is: Accusing the other parent of abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual) without evidence.

• Examples: Seeking Orders of Protection, initiating calls to DCFS, calling the police, purely to tarnish the other parent’s reputation.

• Purpose: To gain full custody, restrict visitation, or discredit the other parent in court.

4. Withholding or Controlling Communication

• What it is: Blocking phone calls, texts, or video chats between the child and the other parent.

• Purpose: To interfere with the other parent’s relationship with the child or to exert control.

5. Using the Child as a Messenger or Spy

• What it is: Having the child deliver hostile messages or collect information from the other parent’s home.

• Purpose: To avoid direct conflict while still engaging in manipulation or to gather intel for court.

6. Deliberate Scheduling Conflicts

• What it is: Scheduling the child’s activities or appointments during the other parent’s time.

• Announcing abrupt scheduling changes by saying that the child wants it, and how can you say ‘no’ to that?

• Purpose: To reduce the other parent’s contact with the child or create conflict that can be used in court.

7. Financial Manipulation

• What it is: Using money or financial pressure to control the other parent.

• Examples: Refusing to pay support, dragging out court battles to create legal expenses, or threatening job loss.

• Purpose: To weaken the other parent’s ability to fight back legally or emotionally.

8. Character Assassination

• What it is: Spreading damaging rumors or information about the other parent.

• Examples: Telling mutual friends, family, or court officials that the other parent is mentally ill, a substance abuser, or a bad parent.

• Purpose: To isolate the other parent and influence court decisions.

9. Manipulating the Legal System

• What it is: Filing frivolous motions, dragging out litigation, or exploiting technicalities.

• Purpose: To exhaust the other parent emotionally and financially, or to gain time or leverage in court.

10. Creating a False Narrative

• What it is: Carefully crafting a story or timeline that portrays the other parent as the problem.

• Examples: Keeping journals with selective entries, presenting “evidence” out of context. 

• Writing a continuous stream of messages to the other parent, spinning events in a negative light for the other parent. 

• Saying that the writing of messages is somehow ‘documenting’ the other parent’s bad behavior.

• Purpose: To sway court opinion or custody evaluators.

What to do in the face of psychological warfare:

• Search for a counselor who can begin seeing your child — not for mental illness or treatment, but just to have someone that the child can ‘unload’ on.  Expect to face opposition from the other parent!

• Consult with a Chicago divorce attorney with experience in recognizing and countering psychological-warfare techniques.