PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM CONFLICT

You know the stress that you're feeling.  Multiply that by ten, and you've got some idea of what your child is experiencing during your conflict with the other parent.  I recommend that you take an unusual approach -- that you completely stop communicating with your child about the other parent.   

If you can, please avoid saying these things to your child:

• “ Tell your father to be on time for his visits.”

• “ Tell your mother to buy your school clothes. I’m paying her money to do that.”

• “ What did you do yesterday at your dad’s house?”

• “ Did your mother have her boyfriend over when you were there?”

• “ Oh really? What else did your mom tell you?”

• “ Give this check to your father – it’s money for your braces.”

Unfortunately, just by trying to be a “good listener” for the child, a parent often becomes the receiver of messages or information from the other parent. 

If you put your child in the role of a

• reporter,
• spy or
• messenger

it could affect his or her ability to have healthy relationships in the future.   It may also cost thousands of dollars in therapy expenses when the child becomes an adult. It may take years of effort for the child to undo her distorted and dark view of male-female relationships.

Using your child to

• communicate with the other parent,
• be your counselor,
  
• listen to complaints about the other parent,
• listen to your feelings about the court case, or
• provide you with a sounding board

will almost certainly make your court case:

• last longer,
• cost more, and
• be more emotionally-draining for you and your child.

Some parents tell me that the other parent is saying hurtful or damaging things to the child.  Unfortunately, this is very common.  Instead of writing ineffective letters, we must focus on what you can do:

When the child passes through the curtain, nothing else does – no information at all. When the child is on “your side of the curtain,” I suggest that you:

• Say nothing about the other parent,
• Avoid asking your child about the other parent,
• Refuse (with kindness, but no explanation) to listen to your child talk about the other parent,
• Refuse (with kindness, but no explanation) to listen to any message that your child attempts to convey from the other parent.

In other words:

Don’t talk about the other parent,

or listen about
the other parent

when the child is nearby.

Here are some examples of ‘drawing the curtain’ between you and other parent:

CHILD : “Mom, yesterday Dad and I went to the park.”

YOU: “That’s your time with your Dad.”

(letting the conversation drop.)

 

CHILD : “Dad,do you know what Mom and I did yesterday?”

YOU : “That’s your time with your mother.”

CHILD : “But Dad, we went shopping and I got a new dress.”

YOU : “That’s your time with your mother. Now, are you ready to

eat?”

(changing the subject.)

 

CHILD : “Dad had his girlfriend at the house when I went there.”

YOU : “I’m glad you are seeing your father.”

CHILD : “She said that you’re mean and you shouldn’t get half of

the house.”

YOU : “I’m glad you are spending time with your father.”

(letting the conversation drop.)

Clients report that‘drawing the curtain’ in this way is very difficult, at least at first. Some clients say, “But I’ve got to talk with my child!” or "I've got to listen to my child!"   Yes, this is the conventional approach.  Unfortunately, in many cases it doesn't work, and it doesn't make the situation better.

Let's face it.  Even if you are a professional counselor, you cannot have the proper sense of detachment when dealing with your own child, in the middle of your own case.  I often recommend that a child be taken to see a therapist,to give the child a confidential outlet for his or her powerful emotions.   

With consistent effort, the child will soon understand that you will not be participating in any discussions about the other parent – and the child will then focus only on ‘your world.’

The idea is to allow your child to remain a child. 

I usually recommend avoiding discussions like the following:

“Now Honey, your Dad’s going through a difficult time. I hope you will try to understand that.”

“Your mother is under a lot of stress from her job and from this court case. She sometimes says things that she doesn’t mean.”

“I’m putting together answers to the questions that your Dad’s lawyer sent to me.”

“Your Dad is asking for joint custody.”

“Your Mom doesn’t think joint custody will work out. She doesn’t think we can cooperate in making decisions about your future.”

"Remember to tell people that you want to live with me."

The main idea is to shield your child from the drama, the adult-level talk and the psychological manipulation of your court case.

All a child needs to hear is that:

• she is loved by her parents,
  
• she will always have a place to live,
  
• she will always have enough food, and
  
• she will never have to worry about anything - because her parents are looking after her 24 hours per day.
  

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